i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
