Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
