saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
