Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
