my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
