my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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