dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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