i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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