I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
