WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
