Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
