Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
