so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think I sprained my soul last night
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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