I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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