so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
