im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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