Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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