twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
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just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
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There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila