I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged