god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!