The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?