I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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