Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
