is your mom at the bar?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
