he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
