and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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