The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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