Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
