u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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