I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
