I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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