my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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