my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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