i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
