mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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