Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I got inside last night via doggy door
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
