Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
