ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
