just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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