I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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