I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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