My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
