I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
