My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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