so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
