peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's shark week go big or go home
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
