hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
