She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just want to make out with him forever
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
