go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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