just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
