I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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