Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
