Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
