Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
