My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
