what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
